


fear of losing

by howlingheartdemigod (helpmeimstuckon)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Painful goodbyes, beau has to leave, but it's a little angsty, i mean? not that Angsty compared to what i normally write?, i might write more! let me know if you want me to!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 14:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18345407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helpmeimstuckon/pseuds/howlingheartdemigod
Summary: Beau had her staff in hand. Had her bag under one arm. Had a hard line to the set of her shoulder. And she was looking around, around the gold gilded room where all of the Nein were asleep, and she was lingering on their faces one by one. It was like she was trying to memorize them, like she was saying goodbye.-This time, Beau has to leave. Yasha is the one left behind.





	fear of losing

**Author's Note:**

> originally a prompt fill on tumblr  
> "beauyasha, beaus the one that’s gotta leave this time"  
> find me there at howlingheartdemigod  
> -  
> let me know what you think  
> -  
> title from an atticus poem  
> “I could never love her-  
> the fear of losing her   
> would be too strong.”

Beau wasn’t half as sneaky as she thought she was. Not, at least, to Yasha. Maybe it came with years running, keeping an eye over her shoulder, being always ready for a fight. Maybe it came from the fact that when Beau was in the room, despite herself, Yasha always new right where she was. Either way, Yasha stayed quiet and watched through her lashes as Beau padded through the room, past their sleeping friends, eyes lingering on each of them in turn. Yasha tried to tell herself Beau was just going to head off to find a drink or to meditate or, or…

But she had her staff in hand. Had her bag under one arm. Had a hard line to the set of her shoulder. And she was looking around, around the gold gilded room where all of the Nein were asleep, and she was lingering on their faces one by one. It was like she was trying to memorize them, like she was saying goodbye. 

Yasha stayed silent, waiting for Beau to turn to her. She was last, Yasha realized. Beau was waiting to look at her last, see her last. Yasha told herself not to read into it. Just because she always made sure to get one final look at Beau, to make sure that Beau was the last thing she saw of the Nein before leaving, just because it made her heart leap to do so, doesn’t mean that’s what Beau was doing. She watched Beau turn her gaze from Caleb, watched her take a breath, then watched her turn. Beau jumped, lips parting in shock when Yasha met her gaze, then guilt and shame colored her face. She looked to the door then back to Yasha, then shrugged. “I have to.” she whispered, with a finality that Yasha recognized. 

Understanding crashed down around her. This was not a choice. This was a summonings. This was bigger than wants. This was responsibility to something more than herself.

Yasha took a breath, and pushed to her feet, moving to meet Beau by the door.

“I was going to leave a note.” Beau continued, quiet as Beau could manage.

“I’m sure.” Yasha replied, voice soft enough to match, to hopefully keep from waking their friends.

“I could have been back by morning. I was  _ hoping _ .” The monk went on, voice soft, pleading. “I… I have to.”

Yasha took a breath, the dark grey of the stone this building, this palace was carved out of, and the dispersed veins of white throughout them, made her think of the storm that so often called her away. “I know.” 

Beau swallowed. “I need to spin this. I need to… to tell Dairon something. Something passable.”

“I know.” Yasha repeated. “I’m not here to keep you from leaving.” 

Beau looked up at her, and Yasha suddenly realized how close they stood. Beau’s eyes, even in the low light from the shaded lanterns, sparkled blue, like the sea, like the sky, like magic. Yasha wanted to brush the flyaway hair behind her ear, wanted to give her war braids and paint for the battle she was likely walking into. She wanted to show Beau the love and comfort she deserved. 

But she didn’t. Beau didn’t need that now, she knew. Beau needed to stand on her own, know she could do this.  

“I just…” Yasha swallowed, eyes dropping. “Be safe. Come back.” 

Beau stared at her, lips parted, eyes wide. “I will.” she promised. “Tell them that, yeah? If it takes longer than I want it to.”

Yasha nodded. “course.”

“And…” Beau, closing her eyes shaking her head. “If I don’t-”

“you will.” Yasha said. “You will be fine.” 

Beau’s smile was glass, cracked already. She nodded a bit, and looked to the door, then took a breath, like she was steadying herself. She reached and grabbed Yasha’s hand, much to the Barbarians surprise. “If I don’t… If I don’t I want you to know it was worth it. This whole thing. It was worth knowing you.”

Yasha stared at her, dual toned eyes meeting blue that looked like steel in the light. She wanted to say something back, something smart, something sweet, something clever. She didn’t know what though, so instead, she just nodded, gave Beau’s hand a squeeze, and gave her a weak smile. “I will see you soon.”

Beau nodded, then squared her shoulders and turned to leave.

Yasha watched the door shut after her, a terrible feeling of worry in her stomach. She hated it, not knowing, being unsure. But she didn’t chase her. Didn’t beg her not to go. She knew that it would have been worthless to do so anyway. She returned to the chair she’d been sleeping in, knowing she was in for a restless night. Her fingers still tingled with heat, and she promised herself, she swore to herself, next time she had to leave, she was going to make sure Beau had something, even something as small as the warmth of their intertwined hands, to remember her by. 


End file.
